Anxieties with a Two Month Old

Grace has slept pretty well the past couple of nights (knock on wood), but I however, have not.  When I (finally) get her to fall sleep, and collapse into bed myself, my mind begins racing and worrying. I know this is part of being a mom.  My mother has worried about me for the past 31 years, and she still worries about me.  I know that my worries are going to evolve and change, and become bigger and scarier as she grows and branches out on her own.  Hopefully someday I can laugh at these worries.  But right now, February 10, 2016, these worries are big and real and stressful to me. 

1.) DAYCARE:  I am so worried about sending my precious angel baby to daycare.  I'm worried that the bigger kids will step on her or bite her.  I'm worried that she will pick up  every germ there and come home with the flu or a cold or "upper respiratory virus", pink eye, or worse, the flu.  Grace licks every surface that her mouth is put near, making her even more prone to picking up germs and illness.  I keep trying to tell myself: She is a breastfed baby.  Every single day that I have breast fed her is helping to build her immune system.

I'm worried about nap time at daycare.  They will put her alone in a crib.  She doesn't know how to put herself to sleep.  How will she ever fall asleep herself?  What if she cries a lot and it bothers everyone?  I just want them to love her and cuddle and rock her to sleep like I do.  We're sending her to a small in-home daycare at a woman's house.  She seemed very kind when I met her.  I'm hoping to God she is patient and caring and can handle Grace and her bursts and fits of tears.

I'm worried that she is used to constant attention from me.  I have enough trouble keeping Grace happy all day, and that is literally all I do.  I am there to wipe every single drop of drool that comes from her mouth.  I am there at the first sign of discomfort to pick her up and soothe her.  That just won't be possible for her at daycare.  There will be 4-5 other kids and only one adult to care for all of them.  Will all of her needs be met?  Will she feel neglected?

I know they say that babies are flexible and adaptable, and she will adapt to her new situation.  But what about transition process to get there?  Is she going to be crying at daycare for hours on end because she doesn't know what's going on?  Will she understand that her mom isn't there and feel alone and helpless?

Not to mention, I will have to wake her up at 5:45 am in order to breastfeed for a full hour before leaving for work.  Sometimes, 5:45 is only a few hours after she and I have gone to sleep.  

I can see now why people want to stay home with their baby.  I think about daycare every single day and how worried I am about being away from Grace.

2.) SLEEP:  This one is all-consuming.  It sounds ridiculous. I finally get her to sleep, and then I lose sleep myself because I can't stop worrying about her sleep.  The newborn phase 0-3 months is all about doing whatever works for you.  So, I've done whatever works for me in order to get some semblance of sleep at night.

This picture is highly misleading.
I would like her to sleep like this!
This attempt lasted 5 minutes.

But now, we're coming up on 3 months, which is supposedly the time to get her into "good sleep habits".  None of which she is ready for (or actually, none of which I am ready for).  Good sleep habits include:   

- Baby sleeping in crib.  (This hasn't happened yet except for a few 5 minute stretches).  She sleeps in her swing still.  I've stopped using the swing function every time, but she still seems to like the cozy nest the swing creates for her.

- Putting baby down drowsy but awake. What? How would she fall asleep?  If I don't put her down asleep, she doesn't fall asleep (unless in swing)

- An early bedtime (7-7:30 pm).  Right now her current bedtime (despite my best efforts) is anywhere from 11-11:30 pm.  I don't know how other parents "choose" their kid's bedtime.  Grace is completely in charge of this. No matter how early I start the bedtime process (sometimes around 8:30/9), she still picks when she wants to fall asleep.  Around 9:00, I dim the lights, give her a warm bath, nurse her, sing to her.  This should be enough to get her asleep by 9:30, right? No way. She refuses to sleep until I've tried for what feels like hours and then she finally crashes out anywhere between 10:30-11:30 pm.

I've heard that once daycare starts, she will be exhausted and go to sleep earlier.  I'm praying that this happens.

3.) TRAVEL: One of my closest friends from college (my maid of honor) is getting married this summer.  I am in the bridal party, and am attending her bachelorette party in early April.  The only problem?  The bachelorette party is in Chicago.  At this point, I haven't been away from Grace for more than 5 hours at a time (and that has only happened twice), and I've been just a few miles away each time.  How am I supposed to leave this angel to drive

Grace wants to come to the bachelorette party!

300 miles for 48 hours?  I just can't do it.  Not to mention, Brian has to work the entire weekend, so it's up to my parents to do 48 hours of care for her.

Grace may be the sweetest baby in the world, but she is not the easiest baby in the world.  She can go from a huge smile to an angry scream within seconds.  She wants to sleep at her own time.  If you forget her gas drops, she will be crying in pain any time she has to pass gas.    The bachelorette party is exactly 2 months away.  I am hoping to God that in that time, she is able to sleep longer at night.  I can't imagine putting anyone (Brian, my parents, his parents) through the type of nights I go through with her.  No one should have to do that for us.

So, once I have accomplished traveling without her, two months later I will attempt to travel with her to the coast in North Carolina. This one is four months away, so it's not so high on my radar at the moment.  But, I'd like to join my family for our annual trip.  Even if it means flying with a 7-month old baby.

4.) BABY: I'm new to this whole parenting thing.  But I worry about Grace. Her hands are always cold.  I know it's winter, but her face and body will be warm, but her hands will be freezing!  And her feet would be too, but I keep her in one-piece footies all day every day to prevent that.
Also, I'm worried that she hates tummy time.  It is a battle every single day.  It breaks my heart to hear her cry, so we have to break tummy time up into all these tiny little sessions.  Will she roll over and crawl at the right times if she can barely stand to be on her tummy?

I'm worried about taking her in public, and that she'll cry and people will look at me.  I know that it's normal, sometimes her crying can be unpredictable and not always easy to remedy quickly.  Breastfeeding is the quickest, easiest way to calm her. But how can I breastfeed at Target?  Or TJ Maxx?  In the middle of winter?  At least our trip to Meijer was a big success. Now we need to go for it again... eventually.

5.) WORK: I'm very worried about going back to work.  I teach at a STEAM school, with a demanding principal, highly competitive teaching peers, and challenging student body.  My job was stressful enough before I had a baby.  Now, I'll be going back on very little sleep, trying to catch up from the past 3 months, missing my baby, and helping with Handlebar as well.
Almost immediately after I get back, we have our first "expo".  "Expos" are demanding and time consuming on the part of the teacher.  At our last one, I was 9 months pregnant.  At least this time I will be able-bodied.

So, those are my worries right now, as a mom of a two month old.  I have some things that I can control (bedtime routine, attempting the crib), and some things I can't control (other kids/illnesses at daycare). So I'll focus on the former, and hope for the best with the latter.