A Baptism to Remember

Grace was baptized on Sunday, January 17, 2016, with our family and friends all by our sides.  I had bought a new dress for myself.  Brian's mom had bought a beautiful new dress and bonnet for Grace. We had taken the baptism prep class.  I felt prepared for a smooth day.  How naive I was.

The day started off fine.  Brian's parents were with us at our house in the morning, to help care for Grace while Brian and I got ready.  Grace was a little fussy, but I thought it was just because she was off of our routine.  (Our routine is: wake up, breastfeed for one hour, awake time for one hour, swaddled nap for 1-2 hours, repeat).

Grace then fussed in the car on the way to the church.  She fussed when we arrived at church.  So, Brian and I took her to the back "cry area" to try to calm her.  We wrapped her in a blanket, bounced her and patted her, and about 10 minutes into Mass, she seemed to be calming down and doing okay.  So, I left her with Brian.  After all, I told myself,  I am the Catholic of this family and I should be the one in the church during Mass. Mistake #1: I went into Mass and kept the diaper bag with me.  This left Brian with the baby with NOTHING else.  He had no bottle, so he couldn't feed her, no pacifier for her to suck on, and worst of all, no diapers.  I had it all with me, sitting in Mass.

I had assumed everything was fine, so I just sat in Mass for a long time, assuming that Brian wanted her to be perfectly sound asleep before coming in to the church.
Eventually I realized that something must be wrong, otherwise he would have joined us.

I went to the cry area, and there was poor Brian, with a shrieking, hyperventilating, screaming angry Grace.  It was awful and I felt terrible. I'm her mother and I should have been there to help him and to help her.  I can't stop thinking about it two days later.  I just left him with no tools at his disposal, and she was freaking out.


I took her into the ladies room, changed her diaper (she was still crying), nursed her (she was still crying), and then she finally let out another poop.  I changed her diaper a second time, finished nursing her, and she finally calmed down and fell asleep.

Our family of three finally re-entered the church when about 90% of Mass was over.  She slept in my arms for the remainder of Mass.  I was in a complete blur.  I didn't hear a word Fr. Bill said.  All I was thinking was, "Please don't wake up, please don't wake up, please don't cry, please don't cry".

When Mass ended, it was time to change her clothes.  Mistake #2: I never put on her dress as a practice.  This gorgeous dress wasn't hard to put on, but was very hard to carry her just right.  I wish I would have practiced with holding her in the dress in front of a mirror.
The clothing change was the last straw for Grace.  If she wasn't happy before, she definitely wasn't happy in her beautiful baptismal gown.


The fussing continued for the entire baptism service.  I feel complete regret that I don't feel that I was  at all "present" for the ceremony.  This was her first Catholic sacrament, and I was in a fog of trying to get her to stop crying.  She was uncomfortable.  She wanted to nurse, be cuddled, swaddled, and put to bed.  Instead, the priest literally poured water over her entire face.  I was shocked! I thought it would only be on the top of her head.  There were 5 babies being baptized.  People told me other babies were fussing, but all I could hear was Grace.

I felt like a terrible mother.  I couldn't calm my baby.  It was an awful feeling.

I had envisioned a beautiful baptism and a few nice pictures after.  Now when I look at these pictures, I see my clenched jaw and my embarrassed face.  I feel regret and sadness.

I'm sad that I didn't appreciate the the ceremony, just wanting it to be over the whole time.  I'm sad that I didn't get to appreciate (or even acknowledge really) our family and friends who all traveled in just to see baby Grace get baptized.

But mostly, I'm sad that people didn't get to see how sweet and special my daughter really is.  She isn't a fussy baby. She is a sweet sweet baby.  She smiles, she cuddles, and she is the best thing I've ever been a part of.  And, despite the tears and stress, she did get baptized.  She is a member of the church.  And I'm not taking her back to church again until she's 3.