Two Months Old

Grace was born on Friday, November 27, 2015, just a few minutes after midnight.  The first month of her life was just pure survival (for me, for Brian, and for her).  The second month has been still physically exhausting, but so so much better.

Me: "Hey, I showered today and am not
wearing my bathrobe, can you take a pic?"

And now that she's been outside of the womb for two whole months, I'm really starting to get to know and love her sweet personality more and more each day.

Here are some of my observations of my precious daughter at two months:

- She is vocal!  She has a lot to "say", and likes to make all kinds of noises.  We used to only hear noises from her when she was fussy or upset.  Now she makes happy noises!  And noises as if she's talking to us.

- She is an eater!  She loves to eat and can eat like a champion.  She has no problem drinking a full four ounce bottle of breastmilk.  She has no problem nursing on the left side for 25 minutes and then the right side for 25 minutes.  (This means we spend a lot of time nursing).

- She is a sleeper (usually)!  There isn't a big consistency yet with sleep.  Our general nighttime pattern right now is a 4 hour sleep, a wake up to breastfeed, and then a 3 hours sleep, followed by a big (2 hour) morning nap at some point. She must go down for a nap exactly 2 hours after waking up (or fewer).  I've learned that over-tired is a real (and not good) thing.

Oh I love her smile!

- She is a happy girl! The smiles that were so fleeting and rare at one month and even just a few weeks ago are becoming more common every day.  She smiles back at us.  She smiles when we laugh.  Sometimes Brian will make me laugh as we chat about our day, and we look over at Grace and she has a big smile on also.  It is the sweetest.

- She can be fussy.  Although she is a very happy baby and smiles a lot, she also has her fussy times.  I have to admit, I am really scared to take her out in public, for fear of her crying.  (And for fear of breastfeeding in public).

Most of her cries are completely normal!  But my problem is how to handle them when we're  out and about.  Here are some reasons for her to be fussy:

She cries when she has a dirty diaper. That's an easy fix at home. It's more complicated and stressful to do a diaper change not at home, or "on the run".  I've never changed her in a public restroom, I can only imagine how traumatic that would be.  What if they don't have a changing table?  I changed her once in the dark in the backseat of the car on the way to Ludington.  That was certainly challenging and I'm sure I'll be doing it again to avoid public bathrooms. Hopefully I'll get used to quick diaper changes in any setting once I've done it more.

She is seriously his little princess!

She cries when she's hungry.  Once again, that's an easy fix when we're at home.  I can just sit down, pull her on my lap, get comfy and cozy, and breastfeed right out in the open.  But it's not a realistic fix for when we're out.  We're not always going to be at home and cozy on our own couch right when she needs to eat.  I have several breastfeeding covers, and plenty of bottles, but still have a lot of anxiety about needing to feed her and being somewhere like Target or Meijer.

She cries when she's tired.  Once again, this is an easy fix at home.  I swaddle her up, I turn on the white noise, I go in the dark bedroom, breastfeed a little, bounce her and pat her a little, and put her down (sometimes it takes a few tries of putting her down before she actually goes to sleep).  What about when we go to other places?  Will she be able to just fall asleep at daycare with 4-5 loud little ones in close proximity? With no swaddle and no white noise and no breast?

She cries when her tummy hurts. For her first month of life, I just thought this was normal for newborns.  "Their stomachs are little and so it hurts them to poop."  But poor Gracie was yelling out and crying and grunting loudly almost every time she had to pass gas or poop.  Plus, this painful passing of gas was waking her up at night (which meant waking me up too)!

Her doctor said we could give her gas drops, and I still waited a week to buy them, thinking the painful gas is just normal.  But once I started using them, I saw the relief in her on the first day. Now, I use them at every single feed.  She can pass gas and dirty a diaper with a few grunts and a scrunched up face, but no longer does it cause her tons of pain.  She still can get fussy from a tummy ache (if she ate too fast, if she needs to burp, or if she is hungry), but the gas drops have been amazing, and I recommend them to any new parent!

She cries for unknown reasons. This one is the worst, and usually the loudest/saddest/most

angry cry of all.  It usually happens at night, and can last for up to an hour or more, but normally can be calmed with a good swaddle, white noise, and a boob. Seriously, what do people do who have to formula feed??  Have a bottle ready at all times?  There is nothing that can calm this baby like being cuddled into me and feeding. (Which makes me all the more worried for daycare, but that's another post for another day.

These two months have seriously flown by.  Grace is growing and changing every day. She is asleep on my lap as I type. And all I can think to myself is, "Could life possibly get any better than this moment right now?"

Postpartum - 8 Weeks

I can't believe that just 8 weeks ago was Grace's first day in this world.  Looking back, I didn't know what I was in for.  All I knew was that this tiny creature had been placed in our care.  Her whole life was up to us.  Now, it's been 8 weeks, and things are better than ever.

Here's an update of where I am 8 weeks postpartum:

Physically:

One week before and one week after giving birth.
Her face in this picture makes me laugh.

Pain level:  The first week, I was in serious pain.  I had to take tylenol and Ibuprofen on a regular rotation.  It hurt to walk and it seriously hurt to sit.  That first week was hard to begin with because I had no sleep anyway, and it made healing "down there" so much harder.  The second and third weeks were slightly better, yet the strong back pain kicked in at that point. Finally, at 4 weeks postpartum, I felt healed down there, and the back pain went away.  What a relief.  Taking care of a newborn leaves no time for the mom to take care of herself.  So, when I was finally no longer in pain, it made taking care of baby so much better.

Weight gain: I gained 30 pounds during the whole pregnancy.  I started at 120 and ended at 150.  Leaving the hospital, my uterus was still enormous and I still looked very much pregnant.  I weighed myself 2 weeks postpartum, and I weighed 125 pounds.  I could not believe it.  25 pounds had come off of me in 2 weeks??  At this rate, I thought, I will be back to 120 in no time, and probably even lose more weight!
Well, it's been 8 weeks now, and I'm still right at 125.  Those last 5 pounds are not going anywhere unless I do something about it.  (Unlike the first 25 pounds, which literally disappeared without me doing anything at all about it, besides breastfeeding).  My stomach is still very soft and "poofy".

So, nature helped me lose most of my baby weight, but now it's up to me to actually get my body back.

Emotionally:

I am a very emotional person.  I always have been emotional, and the hormones from pregnancy and childbirth didn't do anything to help my emotions.  I don't think I have postpartum depression, but I definitely still have lots of emotions.

The first few weeks, I could cry at the drop of a hat.  I could cry because my nipples hurt so much and I knew "breast is best", but it was killing me and painful and just so hard..  I could cry because I hadn't slept in days and I didn't know if I was ever going to sleep again.  I could cry because I missed my husband and to be honest, I missed my old life.

Grace at just one day old.
She had been crying for hours.
I was exhausted and terrified.
I wish I could go back in time and tell myself:
"It gets better, it really does.
Hang in there. You're doing great."
I really needed to hear those words.

Now, 8 weeks later, emotionally I am fine.  I do sometimes cry now, but it's not because I'm in pain.  I mostly cry because I love this baby so much.  It is really hard to explain, but I just love her in a different, more powerful love than I have ever felt in my whole life.  I love her so much it hurts, and when I cry, it's not because I'm sad or because I'm happy.  I cry because I know that this time is going to pass in the blink of an eye.

Overall:
When I gave birth to Grace, I also gave birth to a new me.  The old me was pretty selfish to be honest, and mostly concerned with myself at all times.   I was obsessed with getting as much sleep as possible, with social media, shopping for new clothes, and looking nice.  Now, I'm obsessed with how much sleep Grace is getting (when did she sleep last? Is she over-tired? How many hours did she sleep?), how much she is eating, and doing everything possible to be the best mom I can.  I haven't looked nice in a really long time. Tonight I took a shower for the first time in days, and it was heavenly.

Having Grace in our lives for these past 8 weeks has been amazing.  It's also been exhausting and stressful.  But mostly, it's been amazing.

8 Weeks Old

Gosh I love this girl so much

Wow, how things with a newborn can change so much in just a couple days.  Monday and Tuesday evening this week, we had a genuine "witching hour" (8-10 pm), with full on scream-cries that lasted over an hour, maybe two.  Those cries were so distressing to me that I started crying myself. There is no worse feeling in the world than having your baby screaming (seemingly in pain), and not know what the cause is.

Wednesday night and Thursday evening were completely different.  She was calm, happy, playful, and so so sweet.  She only fussed maybe about 10-20 minutes when I swaddled her up to go to bed.

Now, I sit with her asleep next to me, and can't stop thinking about how perfect she is.  I am truly the luckiest mom in the whole world.

Milestones:

How did I get so lucky to
have a baby who likes to
sleep as much as me?

Our biggest milestone this week has been sleeping through the night!  We had a few 6-hour nights and even one 8-hour night!  This little girl might enjoy sleeping just as much as her mama does!  My body doesn't quite believe it, and is still on the wake up every 2-3 hour schedule to check on the baby. Eventually, we'll both be getting a good night's sleep, I hope.

Play date with Lauren and Caroline!

Grace and I had a playdate this week with my co-worker Lauren and her baby Caroline. Caroline was born 4 week after Grace, which is a huge age difference right now, but will end up to be nothing.  Grace was on good behavior and barely cried at all!  Well, she was calm and happy for about an hour, nursed for about an hour, then she dirtied a diaper and got fussy, and then we left.  (Unfortunately, I didn't think to take a photo until it was time to go, at which point Grace was mad and crying).  But, for an outing away from the house, it overall went pretty well.

Mistakes:

These mitts are staying on!

I still keep the baby mitts on Grace.  Every time I take them off, she scratches herself.  It doesn't matter how short her nails are, she finds a way to scratch her face.  She loves rubbing her eyes with her hands, and I definitely don't want her scratching her eyes.
Anyway, so today I decided to trim her nails, hoping to let her hands go free with no mitts for awhile.  I made the mistake of trying to trim her nails while she was awake, in my lap.  I ended up trimming some of her skin while I was trying to trim her thumbnail.  She shrieked in pain and cried and I felt horrible.  I was so mad at myself and couldn't believe I had cut her.  Her thumb bled for about 15 minutes, which made me feel even worse.  I rinsed it with gentle soap and water and put a band-aid and a fresh mitten on it.  She cried for awhile while I nursed her.  After that, she was okay and acting fine.  I am still feeling bad though.  No more trimming her nails, even though trimming is more efficient, I'm going to be filing them down from now on.

Coming Up
Next week Grace will get a bunch of vaccinations at her 2-month doctor appointment.  After that, I will have no excuses for keeping her indoors with me all day every day.  I want to get her out and about and around people.  Daycare time will be coming up before we know it, and I want her to be ready to be out and about and around all kinds of people.

Moments to Remember

I've had a rough few days with Grace.  Week 6 was amazing.  She slept really well at night, and was awake and content during the day, aside from a few nice long naps... This week has been harder.  She is crying during the "witching hour" inconsolably.  The cry is heartbreaking, but that's another post for another day. 

When I have these rough moments with Grace, it helps to think of all my happy moments with her.  There are some moments that are just absolutely precious, and I want to hold onto those moments and never forget them.  She literally grows bigger and changes every single day.  She is still a little baby, but she is already so so much bigger than the tiny little creature that came out of me in November.

1.) Bath Time.  Oh my gosh, bath time with Grace is so sweet.  At first, it was really scary for us because she was so tiny. And it is a hassle to get everything ready and set up, and a hassle to put it all away after.  But it is honestly one of my favorite times with her.
She sits in a special infant insert in a baby tub, and Brian holds her steady in his strong hands.  He talks to her to keep her calm, and usually makes me laugh.  I sponge her down, wipe her face and wash her hair.  Grace sits calmly through the whole thing, listening to Brian's voice, looking around, and kicking her legs in the warm water.  She doesn't mind when I pour the water on her.  She doesn't mind me wiping her down.  She's just content and it is adorable.
Afterwards, he wraps her tightly in a towel and puts her jammies on.  It is one of my most favorite times we have together as a family.  This spring, he's going to be really busy, and probably won't be able to do bath time with us.  I never want to forget how special her baths were during these first few months.



2.) Baby Smiles!  Grace gives out the sweetest and best smiles in the world.  She started a few at week 6, but just now in week 7 she has been giving them out more than ever before. They still aren't predictable, and she doesn't hold them long enough for me to capture on camera.  But a smile from her can make my day instantly.  She smiles for her cousins Dylan and Max, and for both of her grandmothers, but mostly she smiles for her daddy.  She loves to smile at him. 

My face is weird in all these.
But she is adorable, so
I'm including them.

3.) Sleeping Baby Cuddles.  Is there anything sweeter than a baby sleeping in your arms?  Sometimes when she falls asleep on me, I think "If only she were sleeping in her swing or in her rock 'n play, then I could be up and doing laundry, or dishes, or eating!  Or just sleeping myself!"  And so I set her down, planning to do one of those items like sleeping or laundry.  And  lately she fusses, so I pick her back up, frustrated and annoyed.

But a day will come when I will have plenty of time to do laundry.  A day will come when I will have plenty of time to sleep and eat and do whatever I feel like doing without a baby crying every time I put her down.

But when that day comes, she won't be a tiny baby.  She'll be grown up and gone and won't need my arms to sleep in anymore.  So, for now, my laundry pile is going to grow, and my house is going to get messy.  Because I will never have these moments back again. Because no matter how tired my arms get, they will always hold her for as long as she needs it.
She will never be so tiny, and I'm going to cherish every moment of it.

A Baptism to Remember

Grace was baptized on Sunday, January 17, 2016, with our family and friends all by our sides.  I had bought a new dress for myself.  Brian's mom had bought a beautiful new dress and bonnet for Grace. We had taken the baptism prep class.  I felt prepared for a smooth day.  How naive I was.

The day started off fine.  Brian's parents were with us at our house in the morning, to help care for Grace while Brian and I got ready.  Grace was a little fussy, but I thought it was just because she was off of our routine.  (Our routine is: wake up, breastfeed for one hour, awake time for one hour, swaddled nap for 1-2 hours, repeat).

Grace then fussed in the car on the way to the church.  She fussed when we arrived at church.  So, Brian and I took her to the back "cry area" to try to calm her.  We wrapped her in a blanket, bounced her and patted her, and about 10 minutes into Mass, she seemed to be calming down and doing okay.  So, I left her with Brian.  After all, I told myself,  I am the Catholic of this family and I should be the one in the church during Mass. Mistake #1: I went into Mass and kept the diaper bag with me.  This left Brian with the baby with NOTHING else.  He had no bottle, so he couldn't feed her, no pacifier for her to suck on, and worst of all, no diapers.  I had it all with me, sitting in Mass.

I had assumed everything was fine, so I just sat in Mass for a long time, assuming that Brian wanted her to be perfectly sound asleep before coming in to the church.
Eventually I realized that something must be wrong, otherwise he would have joined us.

I went to the cry area, and there was poor Brian, with a shrieking, hyperventilating, screaming angry Grace.  It was awful and I felt terrible. I'm her mother and I should have been there to help him and to help her.  I can't stop thinking about it two days later.  I just left him with no tools at his disposal, and she was freaking out.


I took her into the ladies room, changed her diaper (she was still crying), nursed her (she was still crying), and then she finally let out another poop.  I changed her diaper a second time, finished nursing her, and she finally calmed down and fell asleep.

Our family of three finally re-entered the church when about 90% of Mass was over.  She slept in my arms for the remainder of Mass.  I was in a complete blur.  I didn't hear a word Fr. Bill said.  All I was thinking was, "Please don't wake up, please don't wake up, please don't cry, please don't cry".

When Mass ended, it was time to change her clothes.  Mistake #2: I never put on her dress as a practice.  This gorgeous dress wasn't hard to put on, but was very hard to carry her just right.  I wish I would have practiced with holding her in the dress in front of a mirror.
The clothing change was the last straw for Grace.  If she wasn't happy before, she definitely wasn't happy in her beautiful baptismal gown.


The fussing continued for the entire baptism service.  I feel complete regret that I don't feel that I was  at all "present" for the ceremony.  This was her first Catholic sacrament, and I was in a fog of trying to get her to stop crying.  She was uncomfortable.  She wanted to nurse, be cuddled, swaddled, and put to bed.  Instead, the priest literally poured water over her entire face.  I was shocked! I thought it would only be on the top of her head.  There were 5 babies being baptized.  People told me other babies were fussing, but all I could hear was Grace.

I felt like a terrible mother.  I couldn't calm my baby.  It was an awful feeling.

I had envisioned a beautiful baptism and a few nice pictures after.  Now when I look at these pictures, I see my clenched jaw and my embarrassed face.  I feel regret and sadness.

I'm sad that I didn't appreciate the the ceremony, just wanting it to be over the whole time.  I'm sad that I didn't get to appreciate (or even acknowledge really) our family and friends who all traveled in just to see baby Grace get baptized.

But mostly, I'm sad that people didn't get to see how sweet and special my daughter really is.  She isn't a fussy baby. She is a sweet sweet baby.  She smiles, she cuddles, and she is the best thing I've ever been a part of.  And, despite the tears and stress, she did get baptized.  She is a member of the church.  And I'm not taking her back to church again until she's 3.

7 Weeks Old

I can't believe it's been 7 weeks since Grace was born.  I can't imagine life without her.  I thought I'd do a post of what I've learned about her in these 7 weeks:

- She loves to eat!  I am exclusively breastfeeding, on demand, and this little baby eats a lot.  She nurses when she first wakes up from sleeping, and then again right before she goes down to sleep.  Considering she sleeps every 2 hours throughout the day, this is a lot of eating.

- She has long legs!!  We have known this since I was 12 weeks pregnant.  The ultrasound tech told me at my 12 week appointment, "your little one has long legs"!  All of her three-month pants are too short on her already, at 1.5 months old.

- She loves her hands.  Her hands are almost always in mitts (because she scratches her face), but when her hands are free, she puts them right up to her face.

- She loves to kick!  She will kick her legs all the time, which is funny, because she did that during my entire pregnancy too.

- She loves her daddy.  She saves her best smiles for him, and it just melts my heart. 

- She loves her bouncy chair.  It actually belongs to her older cousins, Dylan and Max, and it wasn't something I ever planned on buying.  But, once we borrowed it and took it home, I realized how amazing this chair is!

- She must be swaddled in order to sleep.  She doesn't like the process of swaddling, but she honestly can't sleep without it.  If she isn't swaddled, her arms just wave all over, hitting herself in the face and waking herself up.

- She will fall asleep on long car rides, but hates getting strapped in to the car seat.

- She can only handle about 2-5 minutes of tummy time per session right now, but her neck is definitely getting stronger!

- I've been holding her up to a mirror for weeks now, and today was the first day that she actually acknowledged that there was a face in the mirror, and she lit up with a huge smile, and then kept smiling because her face in the mirror was smiling back at her.  It was the cutest thing ever!  I would love to capture one of those smiles on camera.


- My favorite moments with her are just after we've finished nursing.  I try to burp her, and then she does really big stretches and curls up into my chest.  It is the best feeling in the whole world.  I only get 3 hours of sleep at a time, I only shower twice a week and my body is still recovering from what it has gone through, but I am happier than I have ever been.  And those moments when she is peaceful on my chest are just heaven.

Thankful

Brian doesn't really believe in being "lucky".  He believes that things happen due to hard work and good timing, but mostly hard work.

I do believe in luck, and I feel lucky all of the time.  I suppose another word I could use instead would be "thankful".  So, this post is about everything I am thankful for right now (and feel lucky to have).


1.) My husband.  He is starting a business this year, so his free time is rare, and yet he has co-parented with me from day one.  In fact, he changed the very first poopy diaper himself.  He loves our baby with all his heart and she is his little princess.  He works long hours and often has to continue working for many hours when he gets home at night. But when he's here, he will drop anything to hold her, sit with her, and be with her.

2.) Grace Jacqueline.  I cannot believe how lucky I am to be her mom.  She is the sweetest baby in the entire world.  My heart just aches when I look at her.  I have never felt a love like this before in my life. I can't believe this little tiny baby is 50% me and 50% Brian, and just 100% perfect.  She is growing up before our eyes (literally growing - she has gained so much weight since being born and a lot of her 3-month clothes are now snug on her)!

3.) Extended Maternity Leave.  This is one where Brian's hard work causes me to have good luck.  He works so hard to provide for us, allowing me to stay home an extra 9 weeks with no pay.  I am SO lucky to have this time at home with my little angel baby.  I've spent this past month and a half living and breathing baby Grace.  She is 6, almost 7 weeks old now, and this is the time where many women have to go back to work.  I can't imagine putting her in daycare yet.  I'm so lucky I don't have to (yet).

4.) Sleep.  We are finally getting some decent sleep at night!  Grace has been getting in at least two 3-hour stretches every night now, and at least one 2-hour nap during the day.  I feel so lucky to have a baby that likes to sleep (like her mama)!

5.) My Pregnancy/Childbirth Experience.  My pregnancy and childbirth were by no means easy, but they were perfect for me.  I planned to gain between 25-35 pounds, and ended up gaining exactly 30 (without trying to gain more or less).  My childbirth went very smoothly (despite a long labor and a perineal tear).  I was able to deliver vaginally, I was able to have instant skin-to-skin with this perfect little creature.  I was able to walk out of the hospital 36 hours after giving birth.

Seeing my parents become
grandparents has been amazing.

6.) Friends and family.  I am so lucky to have my parents only a mile away.  They have already been a huge help, and Grace is less than two months old.  My mom will be doing Grace care two days a week.  Brian's mom helped me survive my beginning days with a baby, and moves her schedule around to drive in to help us from Ludington.  We have had so many kind friends come visit us, bringing all kinds of gifts.  Friends and family have brought us dinners, snacks, wine, and lots of cute pink girly clothes for our sweet baby girl.  We've received countless packages with warm wishes and generous gifts.  They say it takes a village to raise a child.  Well, I didn't realize just how big our village is, but we are certainly thankful for it.

When times get tough, and I know they will, I just have to look at this list, and remember just how truly lucky I am.

Sleep, Baby, Sleep

It's Friday night at 10pm, and I'm sitting in bed with the sweetest little baby in the whole world asleep in her cradle next to me.
Grace turned 6 weeks old today, and I feel that it's finally safe to say we have a sleep routine going.  She is sleeping through the night (Besides waking up every 3-4 hours for night time feeds).  Does that still count as sleeping through the night?
It took me so long to figure out her sleep needs.  It took her so long to realize that day time is for shorter sleeps and night time is for longer sleeps.

A few items I needed to learn in order to get to this point:

- She shouldn't be awake for more than 2 hours at a time yet.  I thought that keeping her up for four hours would help her sleep more later.  In fact, keeping her up so long was working against me!  It was making her OVER tired and much harder to calm down and put to sleep.  Now that I realize this, I am vigilant about not letting her get over-tired.  I am swaddling her up and putting her down every 1-2 hours.  Even if she just sleeps for 20 minutes, it is worth it because she needs it.  (Although I do love those 2 hour naps, where I can do some laundry and even catch a quick nap myself).

Never underestimate the swaddle!

- Swaddling is vital!  I learned how to swaddle in the hospital.  I bought some of the special swaddle blankets, and tried it out for a few days at home.  Then, I told myself, "Grace likes to bat her arms around, she likes to kick her legs, she doesn't want to be swaddled."  So, I stopped swaddling, it was a hassle. The lack of swaddling caused me to have a lack of sleep for several weeks straight.  She would doze off while nursing, I would gently set her down, and then "whack", she would hit herself in the face, and wake up crying.
My worry now is how am I ever going to stop swaddling her?  It lets her sleep for 3-4 hours straight.

- Use the swing! Brian's sister Colleen gave us some baby gear, and some of it I just set to the side.  Her baby swing was one of those items.  I was crazy! The swing is amazing and so helpful. It can lull Grace to sleep (as long as it's dark and we have white noise going).

- Humidifier is amazing.  Not only does it keep the air from getting too dry, but it also provides a loud, steady white noise for Grace to fall asleep to.

Now that I am able to get some sleep at night, I honestly feel like a different person.

I do have a few worries though.  I can't swaddle her forever.  She can't sleep in the swing forever.  But for now, I'm enjoying this while it lasts.

Our First Month

Wow, my whole last month was a blur.  Grace Jacqueline is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen in my life.

I have spent the last month indoors, feeding, diapering, cuddling, rocking, and holding.  The first three weeks were really hard.  I mean, really hard.

The first weekend, she lost 12% of her birth weight.  So, on Monday (November 30), her pediatrician was very concerned, and apparently I wasn’t breastfeeding her enough!  This started me on a whole journey of pumping, bottle feeding, AND breastfeeding.  Breastfeeding became VERY painful, and was so frustrating to me.  I was tempted to use formula.  I just wanted to pump, because her latch was so painful and my nipples were so sore, but I kept at it.  I went to multiple lactation consultant appointments (all covered by insurance - yay!), and cried at each one.  As a new mom, all I wanted was to be able to feed my baby girl enough so that she was content.  I felt like every time I breastfed, I had to give an additional full bottle of pumped milk after in order for her to be full.

Sleep was a whole different issue.  For the first 4 weeks of Grace’s life, she had her days and nights completely switched around.  She slept ALL day.  Literally, three hour nap, wake up to feed, and another three hour nap.  Then, she was up ALL night.  Up for hours straight, crying and fussing.  It was exhausting and emotionally draining.  (I am someone who was used to getting straight 8 hours and then napping daily)!

In addition, my body took a few weeks to heal.  The 2nd degree perineal tear was actually very painful.  It hurt to sit.  I couldn’t curl up on the couch, I had to sit with my legs together.  Also, my lower back seriously hurt to walk!  I’m not sure if that was from the long labor, the intense pushing, the epidural, or from bad breast-feeding posture, but it REALLY hurt.

Finally, now Grace is 5.5 weeks old, and I honestly feel like I have it somewhat together.

My back pain is gone!  My perineal tear seems healed (still bleeding, but healed)!

And my baby has kind of figured out that nighttime is for longer sleeps.

Breastfeeding no longer hurts!!  One lactation consultant told me to give my left side a 24-hour rest (but still pump to maintain supply).  I gave my left side almost a whole-week rest. It did affect my supply, because my left side produces far less than right, BUT, I can nurse her from the left now with no pain.

So, now, here I am 5.5 weeks into this journey of motherhood.  I still rarely shower, my clothes are all dirty because Grace’s laundry is all that matters.  But honestly, I am happier than I have ever been.

Grace is growing so much.  She has outgrown “newborn” clothes, and fits perfectly into “3-month” sizes.  She has long legs and loves to kick them!  She had a really bad bout of baby acne :-( from weeks 3-5, but it’s starting to clear up now.  Her eyes are still dark blue, but surely will change to brown eventually.

She has started to social smile (not just smile in her sleep), and it is the sweetest thing ever.  I have yet to catch a really good one on camera though.

Being a mother is harder than I could have imagined, but also more amazing than I could have imagined.  She makes my whole life complete.  I am SO lucky to be her mom.

Brian has also fallen head over heels for our baby girl.  He has provided me SO much support and help throughout this first challenging month.  He buys ALL the groceries (even expensive fruit for me).  He cleans up the whole house.  He put nightlights all over the first floor so I can see at night.  He put a dimmer switch in her nursery for nighttime diaper changes.  He bought her sweet baby clothes.  He put our humidifier in the room I sleep in with her, even though he’s the one who truly needs a humidifier in order to sleep.  He put an air purifier near our room, so that she is breathing in filtered air.  He takes out all of the garbage and recycle.  He has been amazing.  I am so lucky.

And today starts the first of 2.5 more months that I have with her. I know it’s going to fly by.  My goals for the rest of maternity leave:

1. Sleep Train baby so that we get solid 4-5 hour stretches at night.
2. Solidify my day care plan and pay a deposit.
3. Start doing minor workouts while baby naps.
4. Stop shopping online!  I need to SAVE money, not spend it.
5. Start pumping more, every chance I get.  (Want to have pumped milk stored for when she goes to daycare).

Grace's Birth Story

She is absolutely the most perfect thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life.

I’ll start from the beginning.

On baby’s due date, Wednesday, November 25, 2015, I woke up with plenty of energy.  I took a 3 mile walk with my parents.  I visited my grandpa at Glacier Hills.  I took the stairs everywhere.

Then, once evening hit, something changed.  I started feeling fatigued and cramping.  I started having contractions and a lot of bowel movements.  I was going into labor on my exact due date at 40 weeks pregnant.

The contractions started increasing in length, getting closer together, and getting worse, so we called the hospital.  They told us we could come in, and we were hopeful we would be admitted.

It turned out I was completely effaced, but still only dilated to a two.  They don’t admit you when you’re dilated to a two.  BUT, it turned out my water had broken!  Sometime during the day.  It just felt like a slow leak to me (I’ve been wearing super absorbent pads).  All the doctors and nurses were like “when did your water break??” and I had no idea.

The problem with water breaking and not knowing, is that I was at increased risk of infection.  If your water is broken, they definitely don’t send you home.

So, they admitted me, and pretty much immediately we started the epidural to help with the contractions.  The epidural helped me a ton.  My labor started Wednesday at around 8pm, and ended Friday at 12:06 am.  I had the epidural in me that whole time, but the contractions kept getting worse and worse, so they had to up the dose continuously.  Sometime during the day Thursday (Thanksgiving), they started me on Pitocin.  Supposedly Pitocin can make the next part of labor (pushing) start more quickly.  It didn’t really work for me.  I kept waiting for that need to push, and waiting to become more dilated.  Finally, later in the evening, they saw I was dilated to a 6.

And finally, around 11:30 pm on Thanksgiving, I was dilated to a 10 and ready to push.  I hadn’t read much about the pushing stage, and I didn’t know much about it, but apparently I was a “champion pusher”.  I had to curl my legs up by my knees, wait for a contraction to start, and then push four times through the contraction.

After about 30 minutes of pushing, Grace Jacqueline made her appearance at 12:06 am Friday, November 27th, 2015.

Brian cried a tiny bit when he said “It’s a girl!”  It was the start of him being the most amazing father in the world.  She just stole his heart and it is honestly the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.  He will move mountains for her, and I am so lucky to have him and so lucky to have her.

She weighed 7 pounds, 15 ounces (almost 8 pounds)!!  She was 20.25 inches long.

We had a good solid two hours of skin-to-skin, and I breastfed for the first time. She latched right away. During those two hours of skin-to-skin, they spent about one hour stitching me up.  Apparently I had a second degree perineal tear.  I was in no pain due to the epidural, and I didn’t realize how bad this second degree tear would hurt.

She was absolutely unbelievably perfect.  I can’t believe she is mine.

Around 2:15 am, we let in our family members.  My mom and dad, my brother and Vidhya, and Brian’s parents.

Seeing my parents as grandparents was really emotional.  

Then finally it was time to go to bed (no idea what time).  Brian and I both barely slept.  The nurses took out my catheter and helped me go to the bathroom for the first time in two days.  It was that first bathroom trip that allowed me to see just what kind of damage had happened to me “down there”.  It was not a pretty sight, and additionally very painful.  I don’t know why, but that pain was way worse than I had imagined.  It’s been four days and I am still bleeding, and every time I go to the bathroom, it hurts.

We got to take Grace home Saturday morning, November 28th.

It was the day of the Ohio State-Michigan football game, at HOME.  This means tailgaters everywhere, and bad traffic in town.  We got her home safe and sound, but still had random friends tailgating who wanted to see the baby.

Saturday and Sunday (November 28 and 29) were a blur to me: barely any sleep, learning to breastfeed, trying to calm a continuously crying baby. It was overwhelming and intimidating. Could I be a good enough mom for this precious little one?