The Night Before Our World Changes

Well this is it.  My maternity leave has come crashing to an end. The fastest 15 weeks of my life are over.

Tomorrow I'll wake up at the crack of dawn, commute to work, meet with co-workers, and re-join society just like before.  Except that nothing is like it was before.

My life has changed more than I ever knew possible in just three short months.  How will I ever possibly go back to "normal" when my "normal" is nothing like it was before?  My wake up time will have to be an hour earlier than before, so that I can breastfeed my little leisurely eater for a whole hour.  My lunch break will no longer be spent preparing for lessons, but will be spent pumping milk for her to have the next day.  My brain will be total mush because ALL I think about is Grace.  That's IT.

Here are a few notes I wish I could send before tomorrow starts:

Dear US Government,

You're sending a confusing message.  You're recommending that babies are breastfed for at least 12 months (http://www.cdc.gov/breastfeeding/faq/).  But you're only requiring companies to allow 12 weeks of time off.  Breastfeeding and working do not mix.  I'm not going to complain about FMLA, because I was glad to have it.  But, a mother shouldn't have to leave her 12 week baby who hasn't known anyone else.  She should be allowed to take more time, at least up to 4-6 months, unpaid if it has to be, with the security of knowing that her job is available when she returns.   I can't even imagine the poor mothers who have to return to work at 6 weeks, when their body hasn't healed and their baby doesn't sleep. I am so lucky I got 15 weeks, but I would give anything for more.

Dear Co-Workers,

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry in advance that I might break down in tears tomorrow.  I'm sorry that I have been gone for 3.5 months and have not caught up with you about anything at all, personally or professionally.  I'm sorry that I might not pull my weight when I first return.  I'm going to be struggling just to keep up.  Please understand. Please forgive me.  I will need you so much in these coming weeks.  I promise I will be a good co-worker again someday.

Dear First Graders,

My sweet little students.  I can't wait to see your smiling faces and give you each a big hug.  I can't wait to hear about how many teeth you lost, the snow day you had, and what reading level you're at now.  It's going to be your bright, happy faces that get me through the days this week.

Dear Daycare,

I'm trusting you with the most valuable thing I have.  This little 14 pound creature is more important to me than anything I've ever known. You are experienced, kind, and professional, and I know she'll be fine with you.  I know you know what you're doing.  She's going to cry, and she's probably going to scream-cry.  Please be patient with her.  She is so so little.

Dear Mom,

(I can tell you this in person anyway).  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  It means the world to me that my baby can be with her grandma for 2 days a week.  The fact that she will have 2 days a week with someone who loves her so deeply as you do is just amazing.  She will never know how lucky she is to have this special time with you.  But I know how lucky she is, and how lucky I am.

Dear Brian,

We made it. We made it through the newborn baby stage and through this maternity leave.  We struggled together through my breastfeeding struggles, baby sleep struggles, baby colic struggles, and more.  And we have much more challenges ahead of us.  You work so hard to provide for our family.  You inspire me every day with your persistence in everything you do.  I'm so grateful for you and I hope you know that.

Dear Grace,

I'm sending you to daycare tomorrow.  I'm not leaving you forever, although 10 hours may feel like forever (to me at least).  You will be with people who look different, feel different, sound different, and smell different than your mom. But they will be trying to comfort you, soothe you, feed you, and put you to sleep, just like your mom tries to do.  Please, please let them.  I will be counting down the seconds until I pick you up and hold you and kiss your chubby little cheeks.

I know I can do this.  Daycare will be so good for socializing Grace. She will get so much more stimulation than she ever would get from me at home.
I am a teacher.  I was a teacher before and I'm still a teacher now.  My students are counting on me, and I can be there for them.

I'm just going to take it one day at a time.  I've been fortunate enough to have 15 amazing weeks at home with this sweet little angel.  And I'll still have every single evening and weekend together with her.  And hopefully each day will get a little easier as it goes.