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| Oh my goodness, I love moments like this. |
The night before I went back to work, my friend Stephanie left a care package at my front door. It was full of goodies like lip gloss and lotion to help make me feel better about my first day away from Grace. She knew how hard this was going to me, and it meant a lot.
The first morning I had to take Grace to daycare, Brian came with me. He knew how hard this was going to be for me. He hugged me really tightly after we dropped her off. And he called me up right after we parted ways so he could talk to me for my whole drive in to work. I sobbed the whole way, and it meant a lot that he was there for me. She is so tiny to be away from me for so many hours every day. And I just couldn't bear it.
My first morning back at work, I needed some hugs. And the women at work who had been through this before were the ones who knew it more than anyone. They saw me in the hall, they made a big deal about being glad to see me, they enveloped me in a big hug, and whispered "it gets easier, I promise."
I started crying when I hugged Brooke. "I just miss Grace SO much." I mumbled. And when I looked at Brooke, I saw her eyes had welled up with tears for me.
"I know you do," she said. "But Grace will be okay. I'm here for you all day and all week. If you need a moment, you just let me know."
Her simple words meant so much to me, and helped me realize that I would be okay.
Picking Grace up on the first day was hard. Our daycare provider, Nemeh, insisted Grace was fine. But a little 3-year old boy said, "that baby cry all day", and my heart just sank. Nemeh explained that Grace just really wanted to be held and so she fussed when she wasn't being held.
When we got home, I had the evening planned out: I'd nurse Grace, we would play and cuddle. Then we'd do an early bedtime routine, since she was surely exhausted.
Grace had other plans. I nursed her from 4:15-5, and at 5:00 pm she fell asleep on my lap. I didn't realize how exhausted she was from daycare. She slept basically from 5pm-midnight, barely waking when I put her into PJs and her sleep suit at 8pm. Then at around 1 she went back asleep until 5 am. This was the longest block (5pm-5am) without any awake time (besides nursing) that she's ever done!
It turns out that daycare really did wear her out, and it makes me wonder if she really did cry all day long. What else would explain her falling asleep the second we arrive home and sleeping the rest of the evening/night?
Day 2 was much easier on me. I am forever grateful to my mom for waking up in the wee early hours to come be with Grace on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The fact that I could wake up, nurse the baby, and put her sleeping back into her crib, was so much easier on me than strapping her into her car seat, taking and leaving her somewhere unfamiliar in the pitch dark.
Each day got better from there. I am settling into my routine as a working mama, and it really isn't so bad. Luckily, I'm home pretty much by 4pm every day, which gives me lots of cuddle time with Grace before she goes down to bed. I miss her so much during the day, but honestly, getting back into my work life actually feels pretty good.
Today is Saint Patrick's Day. And it was actually one year ago today that I got my positive pregnancy test. How much my whole world has changed, for the better.
It will probably never be easy for me to leave Grace. Whether it's all day at daycare, or with my mom, or even just to leave her in the next room while she naps. But, I know I'm doing the right thing for our family by going back to work. I know I'm meant to be a teacher, and luckily my job is really compatible with being a mom. And in the meantime, only two more weeks until spring break! :-)
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