A New Working Mom

I don't mind sleep-deprivation for
this sweet little face

I have been back at work for one full month. And I want to write this post so that I remember what it feels like right now, as a working mom of a 4.5 month old baby.

It's really, really hard.

My sweet little 4.5 month old baby doesn't sleep well at night. On our best nights, she'll wake up every 3 hours. On our worst nights, she wakes up every hour. And she is in no rush to fall back asleep when she's up, either. 

I don't just run to her crib as soon as I hear a peep. I listen to her fussing and wait to hear if she'll settle herself. More often, she doesn't settle herself. Her cries escalate until it's very clear she is not falling back to sleep on her own.

It is purely exhausting. Sometimes she'll stay awake from 4-6 am, and then fall sound asleep at 6, right when it's time for me to get up and get ready for work.

Working a full day after such broken sleep is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I feel as if I'm struggling to keep up. My mind is a fog of breastfeeding, pumping, teething, sleep training, worries. I find it so hard to engage in regular chit chat with anyone.  All I can think about is my sweet baby who I've left for the day and how I just want to get back to her. It's so hard to adjust back to regular working world, when my own little world has just been altered so drastically.

I'm not really in the staff lounge much anymore anyway. Pumping takes the first 20 minutes of my lunch break, so I get about 10 minutes to eat and 5 minutes to make copies or prep for the afternoon. This pumping time is so important to me though, because it's the only time I get to pump, and it's not really enough. I'm not able to pump enough breast milk each day for Grace to drink at daycare the following day, so she's now receiving a supplement of 1-2 bottles of formula every day.  I'm not anti-formula, but it isn't as good as breast milk, and it's not what I had hoped for, so I do feel a little let down about it.

Spring has finally arrived in Michigan!

I pour every ounce of energy I have into teaching, yet I still feel that I'm not keeping up at work. And when I get into my car at the end of the day, I have nothing left to give and just collapse into the seat, and struggle to stay awake on my drive home.

I used to feel a secret sense of pride at being the first car in the parking lot every day at school, and sometimes the last one there in the afternoon. Just the janitor, me, and sometimes my unmarried, childless, male coworker. I'd stay late whenever I needed to, no big deal and didn't affect anyone but me.

Now, the teachers' parking lot is full when I arrive, and it's still full when I leave to head home after school. I feel guilt for leaving work shortly after the bell rings. But I feel guilt for even being at work away from my baby for 9 hours as it is. I feel as if I'm not a good enough teacher or a good enough mother all at the same time.

The elusive, sought-after: sleep

Thankfully, some of the kindest comments I've received are from the moms of my students. They are, after all, moms themselves. They are so supportive and have been there and done that before.

I don't know how to make it better though. I don't know when she'll start sleeping more. All I know is that I'm doing the best I can, and all I can do is take each day as it comes.