Dear Grace (3 months old)

Dear Grace,

We have had three special months together do far. These three months in which I was off work and spent every waking moment and every sleeping moment of every single day and night with you by my side. This has been the best three months of my entire life. You have taught me so much about myself already, and you've only been here three months.

Our first month together was not easy. Breastfeeding was difficult, but that wasn't your fault. You came out of the womb knowing what to do, and you latched on and breastfed within minutes of being born.

Our first month didn't involve much sleep for your dad or me. You wanted to sleep all day and stay awake all night. This may have been hard on us, but was perfect for our many visitors! Every single visitor in the first couple weeks got to feel the magical feeling of a peaceful, content, sleeping newborn in their arms. I was exhausted and in pain, but I never turned down visitors. I was so proud of my perfect baby, I wanted to show you off to the world.

Left: 3 weeks old   Right: 11 weeks old

A whole Christmas season flew past me. People got dressed up, went to holiday gatherings, New Year's Eve parties, and we weren't a part of any of it except for family gatherings. But we were a part of something much better, and that is you.

We took a road trip together when you were 4 weeks old! You were amazing in the car the whole way there and back. By amazing, I mean that you slept. Apparently some babies fuss and cry during car rides, but not you. As long as the car is moving, you are good to go.

Our second month together you started making real, intentional smiles. Your smiles are glorious. And we also started getting real 3 hour stretches of sleep at night (or more), which was amazing and life-changing. We did go through a colicky period, in which you screamed/cried for over an hour a night, several nights in a row and including at your own baptism. Thankfully, that was a phase and it passed.

Our third month together has been the best yet. I've taken you on errands and to friends' houses and you've done just fine. You have rolled from your tummy to your back! Best of all, you started making the sweetest baby talk sounds in the whole world. And you continue to amaze me every day.

There is no doubt in my mind that I will cherish these three months forever. This time in which my only job was to breastfeed you, hold you, play with you, sleep by you, and love you.

We spend every day cuddled up together, with you in my arms. You are so little. I sit cross legged on my bed and you fit perfectly in my lap. And in that moment, there is nowhere I'd rather be.

Grace, you won't ever remember this sacred time of ours, these first three months of your life. But it's a time I will never forget for as long as I live.

12 Weeks - What a Great Age

I just wanted to do a quick post so I remember what a fun age 12 weeks is with Grace.
She is starting to make a lot of  "baby talk" sounds, and they are the cutest sounds ever!  She smiles all the time.  She has great neck support (for the most part).  Tummy time isn't so traumatic for her as it used to be. And her baby cues are more easily identifiable. It doesn't mean this age is easy.  No age will ever be easy!  But, it is such a fun age.

The sweetest face in the whole world!

Plus, I can now take her out and about and not worry about her crying!  It is an amazing feeling.  This week I took her to a baby music class and then to Meijer after.  We were gone from the house for about 2 hours total.  During those 2 hours, she didn't breastfeed once, and she didn't get a diaper change once, but she also didn't cry once!  Crying used to be my big paranoia about leaving the house.  Also, she used to eat so frequently that I would have to breastfeed before leaving the house, and then upon arrival at our destination, breastfeed again!

This doesn't mean everything is smooth sailing.  We are still having middle of the night wake ups, usually at 2 and 4 am.  Sometimes lately she's fussy while breastfeeding.  She fights sleep usually when she needs it most.

But overall? There is nothing I would change about this sweet little angel of mine.

12 Weeks Old

Wow.  I blinked and somehow 12 weeks of my life have gone by.  How can it be that 12 weeks  ago I was going through the longest labor ever (28 hours), spending the entire Thanksgiving Day in and out of pain, and still deciding on a boy name?

And now here we have this little baby.  She's still a little baby, but she's no longer a tiny newborn.  She now knows when we leave the room.  She now smiles when she sees us.  She now sleeps at night (not all night, and not every night, but many nights she does sleep)!  She reaches out to try to grab things.  She kicks her legs when she's excited or happy or mad.  She makes all kinds of noises all the time. 

 12 weeks ago I felt thrown into a world that no classes could have prepared me for.  This baby has been with me every step of the way as I figure out how to be a mother to her.

Lately, I've been reading a lot on "sleep training".  Most pediatricians say to wait until your baby is 3 months old to try any sleep training, so I've just been reading up before she turns 3 months (next week!!).

Most of what I've read includes: how to switch your baby to sleeping in the crib, how to get your baby to fall asleep on her own, how to get your baby to sleep for 12 hours straight at night.  Unfortunately, almost every technique out there includes leaving baby to cry at some point.  And however painful that may be, it's supposedly easier to do during the 3-6 month time span than any time after 9 months.

But maybe I'm not ready to sleep train.  Maybe I enjoy nursing her to sleep every night, it's such a special time for us.  Maybe I'm not ready for her to be in her crib yet. Right now, I don't want her to even be one room away from me.  I want to watch her chest as it rises and falls for each breath.  I want to be right next to her when she awakes (even if it's at 3 am).  Even if it means less sleep for me, it means being closer to her.  And that's a trade off I'll take any day.

Things I love About Grace(2.5 months)

Last night, as Grace slept in her portable bassinet next to me, I sat and watched her for awhile (when I should have been sleeping myself).  I looked at her sweet, innocent, peaceful face, and just thought of the many things I love about her.

- I love the way she stretches:  Grace has a few different stretches. One of them she sticks her booty out, puckers her lips, stretches her arms out, and turns her head from side to side.  It's adorable.  Another stretch is one she does on the changing table.  She raises her arms over her head, and sticks both legs out as straight as they'll go.  It's adorable as well.

- I love the way she smiles. Her smile is big and happy and toothless.  She smiles in response to our smiles, and it's just the sweetest smile there ever was.  She loves to smile at Brian.  But she'll also smile at me, at her grandparents, and really even at strangers if they smile at her first.  It's cool to see that she can read facial cues and smile back.  She'll even smile at herself in the mirror.  She smiles with her whole face, and it's just perfect.

- I love the way she sleeps.  Whether it's in my arms, or right next to me.  She sometimes squeaks or grunts in her sleep.  She sometimes stretches her legs in her sleep.  Her mouth makes the motion of feeding, puckering up a little.  There is nothing better than having her curled up in my lap or in my arms as she sleeps.

- I love how she shows us she's happy.  She kicks her legs when she's happy or excited, usually just one leg at a time, sometimes both.  It's just a happy, innocent kick. (Not to be confused with the leg kicking she does when she's mad).  She also has happy sounds she'll make.  They sound like the start of baby talk noises.

- I love her little body and face.  I love her big belly that sticks out.  I love her big round cheeks that get red if she's too hot or if she's mad. I love her tiny nose and ears, and perfectly symmetrical and naturally groomed eyebrows.  (How is it that my newborn came out of the womb with better eyebrows than I've ever had?). I love her eyes that look up at me, expectantly, as if to say "What are we doing next, Mom?"

But most of all,

-I love the way she loves us.  As Brian and I figure out how to be parents, what it means to be parents, and how to survive being parents, she completely trusts us.  She trusts us to keep her fed, clean, and happy. She loves us.  She wants to be held by us, she wants our attention, she wants us to be near her. We are her everything, and she is ours.  Her love is the sweetest thing, and I hope we never take it for granted.

Good Days Lately

We have had a really good couple of days with Grace lately.  2.5 months is such a sweet age, and she grows so much each day.

On Saturday, Brian, Grace, and I went to our friends Stephanie and Ryan's house for dinner and stayed for about 4.5 hours.  Grace did a great job!  They have a dog, and she didn't seem scared of him at all.  She was held by everyone and didn't mind being passed around. She fussed towards the end of the evening, but it was understandable because we had been there for so long.

Sunday was Valentine's Day, and I can honestly say it was the happiest Valentine's Day of my life.  I truly feel that I have everything I could ever want in both Brian and Grace, and it is so cool to celebrate holidays with the two of them.

Sunday night, Grace slept for 6 hours straight!  (She did wake up around 2, but didn't cry, and went back to sleep, so I count that as sleeping).  It's amazing how much better I feel when I have had some good sleep.  (Can't believe I count 6 hours, broken up at 2 am, as good sleep).

Monday, I took Grace to our first restaurant, Tea Haus (similar to a coffee shop), downtown Ann Arbor.  She was such a good baby the whole time!  She barely fussed in her car seat.  She even fell asleep in my arms in the restaurant.  Wow, to think that I can take her out in public and not be worried, is a wonderful thing.  It also helps that Tea Haus is very "mother-baby friendly", and breastfeeding is encouraged there.

Our sleep schedule is still unpredictable to say the least.  I have a few routines I'm going by right now.  I've started a nighttime routine: bath, swaddle, breastfeed, bed.  The time varies, but I try to keep the routine consistent.  Also, when we're up for the day, I try put her down for a nap exactly 2 hours after she wakes up, every time.  Eventually, I want to move to the 2-3-4 schedule (first nap is 2 hours after waking, 2nd nap is 3 hours after waking from first nap, and bedtime is 4 hours after that), but she's still little, so right now it's a 2-2-2-2 schedule.

I fall more and more in love with this girl every single day.  I still can't believe she's ours.  I just live every day for her smiles and her cute sounds and her silly expressions. We are Grace's whole world, and we are going to do our very best to make her world as wonderful as she has made ours.

11 Weeks Old

Well we have an 11 week old baby.  And she's changing so much, every single day!

This is one of her 6-month outfits, fits perfectly!

Here's the latest with Grace Jacqueline:

SIZE: She is a growing girl!  This week, for the first time, I put her in 6-month outfits and they fit perfectly fine. I couldn't believe it.  Those 6-month outfits looked so big and long to me just two months ago.  When she was first born, even her newborn outfits were big on her.  How can she possibly be fitting into these 6-month outfits already?  Luckily, she still fits the 3-month outfits too, so we just have more to choose from.

TEARS:  Grace has always been very vocal with her happiness/unhappiness, which includes crying plenty when she's not happy.  But somehow that crying never had actual wet tears come from her eyes.  Just in the past week or two, she has cried with actual wet tears.  Oh my gosh the tears are heartbreaking!  It makes her cries so much worse, because you see these little teardrops coming from her eyes!

Telling her dad all about her day

MILESTONES:  She has definitely done intentional rolls from tummy to back.  They aren't consistent, but she is capable of doing them (mostly just due to a desire to kick and get off of her tummy).  In addition, her hand motions are becoming slightly more fluid and smooth (as opposed to the jerky arms she's had since birth).  She is reaching out to grasp things, and can will on to something for a few seconds if you place it really close to her hand.

NOISES: She has started a yell type of noise.  It's usually a happy sound, but occasionally can turn into a mad sound.  It's still cute either way.  I like to think that she's talking to us and yelling something at us (happy or mad).

TUMMY TIME: This is still quite the battle.  She seems so miserable on her tummy, I can't bear to let her stay there for very long. But, slowly but surely, she is building that neck strength, and lifting up.  Sometimes she can be on her tummy for a few minutes without actually crying, but usually no longer than 2 minutes.  We're working on it.

SMILES: She is still smiling away when we smile at her.  She doesn't usually smile for

pictures though, which can drive me nuts.  Her smile is honestly magical to me.  I'd love to catch a good one on camera.

BOOKS: Previously, when I held a book in front of Grace, she would look away, or look over it, or honestly not care.  This past week, my mom visited and pulled out a book.  Grace honestly stared at each page, reached her arms out at the pages, and made noises as my mom read to her.  It was completely different and way more engaged in the book than she had ever been previously.  Very cool!

FOOD: Still exclusively breastfed! When I think back to those first weeks and how painful breastfeeding was, it makes me so proud to know that I stuck with it and am still going strong.

SLEEP: Her big milestone this past week was lulling herself back to sleep in the middle of the night after waking up.  She wakes up at 2 am frequently, and a few nights this week she was able to get herself back to sleep  without me (after making grunting and squeaking noises for about a half hour).  This is a big milestone, because it should hopefully reduce the number of wake ups I do with her. We are definitely still swaddling and will be for awhile.

She honestly has no "sleep pattern" quite yet besides the 2 am wake ups and a consistent morning nap. (6-8 am).

This little girl has flipped my world upside down in the most amazing way. Her smile is the greatest smile I have ever seen in my entire life.  She could scream at me and spit up on me and kick me and I will never stop loving her.

Anxieties with a Two Month Old

Grace has slept pretty well the past couple of nights (knock on wood), but I however, have not.  When I (finally) get her to fall sleep, and collapse into bed myself, my mind begins racing and worrying. I know this is part of being a mom.  My mother has worried about me for the past 31 years, and she still worries about me.  I know that my worries are going to evolve and change, and become bigger and scarier as she grows and branches out on her own.  Hopefully someday I can laugh at these worries.  But right now, February 10, 2016, these worries are big and real and stressful to me. 

1.) DAYCARE:  I am so worried about sending my precious angel baby to daycare.  I'm worried that the bigger kids will step on her or bite her.  I'm worried that she will pick up  every germ there and come home with the flu or a cold or "upper respiratory virus", pink eye, or worse, the flu.  Grace licks every surface that her mouth is put near, making her even more prone to picking up germs and illness.  I keep trying to tell myself: She is a breastfed baby.  Every single day that I have breast fed her is helping to build her immune system.

I'm worried about nap time at daycare.  They will put her alone in a crib.  She doesn't know how to put herself to sleep.  How will she ever fall asleep herself?  What if she cries a lot and it bothers everyone?  I just want them to love her and cuddle and rock her to sleep like I do.  We're sending her to a small in-home daycare at a woman's house.  She seemed very kind when I met her.  I'm hoping to God she is patient and caring and can handle Grace and her bursts and fits of tears.

I'm worried that she is used to constant attention from me.  I have enough trouble keeping Grace happy all day, and that is literally all I do.  I am there to wipe every single drop of drool that comes from her mouth.  I am there at the first sign of discomfort to pick her up and soothe her.  That just won't be possible for her at daycare.  There will be 4-5 other kids and only one adult to care for all of them.  Will all of her needs be met?  Will she feel neglected?

I know they say that babies are flexible and adaptable, and she will adapt to her new situation.  But what about transition process to get there?  Is she going to be crying at daycare for hours on end because she doesn't know what's going on?  Will she understand that her mom isn't there and feel alone and helpless?

Not to mention, I will have to wake her up at 5:45 am in order to breastfeed for a full hour before leaving for work.  Sometimes, 5:45 is only a few hours after she and I have gone to sleep.  

I can see now why people want to stay home with their baby.  I think about daycare every single day and how worried I am about being away from Grace.

2.) SLEEP:  This one is all-consuming.  It sounds ridiculous. I finally get her to sleep, and then I lose sleep myself because I can't stop worrying about her sleep.  The newborn phase 0-3 months is all about doing whatever works for you.  So, I've done whatever works for me in order to get some semblance of sleep at night.

This picture is highly misleading.
I would like her to sleep like this!
This attempt lasted 5 minutes.

But now, we're coming up on 3 months, which is supposedly the time to get her into "good sleep habits".  None of which she is ready for (or actually, none of which I am ready for).  Good sleep habits include:   

- Baby sleeping in crib.  (This hasn't happened yet except for a few 5 minute stretches).  She sleeps in her swing still.  I've stopped using the swing function every time, but she still seems to like the cozy nest the swing creates for her.

- Putting baby down drowsy but awake. What? How would she fall asleep?  If I don't put her down asleep, she doesn't fall asleep (unless in swing)

- An early bedtime (7-7:30 pm).  Right now her current bedtime (despite my best efforts) is anywhere from 11-11:30 pm.  I don't know how other parents "choose" their kid's bedtime.  Grace is completely in charge of this. No matter how early I start the bedtime process (sometimes around 8:30/9), she still picks when she wants to fall asleep.  Around 9:00, I dim the lights, give her a warm bath, nurse her, sing to her.  This should be enough to get her asleep by 9:30, right? No way. She refuses to sleep until I've tried for what feels like hours and then she finally crashes out anywhere between 10:30-11:30 pm.

I've heard that once daycare starts, she will be exhausted and go to sleep earlier.  I'm praying that this happens.

3.) TRAVEL: One of my closest friends from college (my maid of honor) is getting married this summer.  I am in the bridal party, and am attending her bachelorette party in early April.  The only problem?  The bachelorette party is in Chicago.  At this point, I haven't been away from Grace for more than 5 hours at a time (and that has only happened twice), and I've been just a few miles away each time.  How am I supposed to leave this angel to drive

Grace wants to come to the bachelorette party!

300 miles for 48 hours?  I just can't do it.  Not to mention, Brian has to work the entire weekend, so it's up to my parents to do 48 hours of care for her.

Grace may be the sweetest baby in the world, but she is not the easiest baby in the world.  She can go from a huge smile to an angry scream within seconds.  She wants to sleep at her own time.  If you forget her gas drops, she will be crying in pain any time she has to pass gas.    The bachelorette party is exactly 2 months away.  I am hoping to God that in that time, she is able to sleep longer at night.  I can't imagine putting anyone (Brian, my parents, his parents) through the type of nights I go through with her.  No one should have to do that for us.

So, once I have accomplished traveling without her, two months later I will attempt to travel with her to the coast in North Carolina. This one is four months away, so it's not so high on my radar at the moment.  But, I'd like to join my family for our annual trip.  Even if it means flying with a 7-month old baby.

4.) BABY: I'm new to this whole parenting thing.  But I worry about Grace. Her hands are always cold.  I know it's winter, but her face and body will be warm, but her hands will be freezing!  And her feet would be too, but I keep her in one-piece footies all day every day to prevent that.
Also, I'm worried that she hates tummy time.  It is a battle every single day.  It breaks my heart to hear her cry, so we have to break tummy time up into all these tiny little sessions.  Will she roll over and crawl at the right times if she can barely stand to be on her tummy?

I'm worried about taking her in public, and that she'll cry and people will look at me.  I know that it's normal, sometimes her crying can be unpredictable and not always easy to remedy quickly.  Breastfeeding is the quickest, easiest way to calm her. But how can I breastfeed at Target?  Or TJ Maxx?  In the middle of winter?  At least our trip to Meijer was a big success. Now we need to go for it again... eventually.

5.) WORK: I'm very worried about going back to work.  I teach at a STEAM school, with a demanding principal, highly competitive teaching peers, and challenging student body.  My job was stressful enough before I had a baby.  Now, I'll be going back on very little sleep, trying to catch up from the past 3 months, missing my baby, and helping with Handlebar as well.
Almost immediately after I get back, we have our first "expo".  "Expos" are demanding and time consuming on the part of the teacher.  At our last one, I was 9 months pregnant.  At least this time I will be able-bodied.

So, those are my worries right now, as a mom of a two month old.  I have some things that I can control (bedtime routine, attempting the crib), and some things I can't control (other kids/illnesses at daycare). So I'll focus on the former, and hope for the best with the latter.